Category Archives: Women

Are You Relationship Addict Or With Relationship Addict?

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By now you must have heard of the highly publicized romance between superstars Chris Brown and Rihanna. Their on-again-off-again relationship and their public feuds, including his beating and bruising her several years ago have been covered by media extensively. Brown-Rihanna is a couple just like so many other young romantics who, in seeking true love, find only a dramatization of their inner conflicts.

It is only obvious then you need to ask if you are in a relationship because of love or addiction.

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It may be a strange question, but it needs to be asked. Those who are relationship addicts, they often think they are in love, but not really. In their eyes, a healthy, loving relationship is not cool. Surely, the three magic words- I love you- may be uttered by partners, but in reality they are meaningless.

In any relationship, chances are high that honeymoon phase ends and often evolves into healthy phase. But those who are relationship addicts, they long for passion and enthrallment in the relationship continuously. As such, when novelty wears off, they are ready for another venue.

It is hard for relationship addict persons to put in time, effort, and energy to make it work. They are not willing to go the extra mile and stick it out for real love. They rather hop from one partner to the next when things get rough, instead of weathering the storm.

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The pattern of addiction is easily recognizable. The partners will argue and breakup and eventually will reconcile and makeup. This goes on for a long while. This is surely an indication that the relationship full of breakups and makeups is not meant to be. It is possible that either or both partners are relationship addicts.

Just like people who experience other addictions, the person’s life has spun out of control and there is the urge to regain power. The obvious sign of a love and relationship addict is his or her inability to control over romantic fantasies that was experienced at the inception of the relationship. Surely, most people may not be able to control emotions in a given moment, but they know how to react in a controlled manner. The addicts lack the control of their reactions.

In most relationships, most partners want to make each other better. But in some cases, one can easily get caught up with their significant other. If the partner is a relationship addict, the personal drama impacts other areas of life- losing interest in person’s job. Simply put, the addicts are losing sight of their responsibilities. Risky situation, indeed.
Strange as may sound, most people have unrealistic expectation out of their relationship- a perfect love story. But reality is very brutal and far far away from fairy tales. The relationship and love addicts have been sold on fantasy not on actual romance.

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Quiet often relationship addicts equate sex to love. For love and relationship addicts initial passionate can’t-keep-your-hands-off-one-another feeling with actual love. For the addicts that kind of passionate encounters needs to exist all the time. The reality is that there is a difference between lust and love. Simply put, romantic and love addicts lust must go on and on.

It is never too late to look honestly at the value and purpose of relationships. It will be great if you look at it prior to initiating any relationship. What need or value does this relationship serve for you? Are you in it because of the amazing chemistry? Are you in this relationship to avoid being alone? Or would you like a relationship that inspires you to be the best person you can be … or one where you feel safe enough to be vulnerable so you can heal and grow?

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Most people seek a meaningful relationship. Unfortunately, not everyone knows what a meaningful relationship is. In most cases, when it comes to meaningful each one of you may have different concept of “meaningful”. Be aware of relationship or love addicts, as they are likely to be threatened by the fact you sometimes want one thing while your partner wants a different thing.

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It Is Time To Divorce

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In Byrd’s sensational hit, “Turn, Turn, Turn”, there are lines:
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late!

When it comes to applying the song to a relationship, an additional line would have been appropriate, “a time for divorce”.

Yes, unpleasant as it may sound, there is a time for divorce.  No one can definitely say it is the right decision.  You may ponder whether to fight to stay in your marriage or fight to get out of marriage or cut your losses.

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Did you notice that whichever way you decide, you had to fight.  That is the point.  If you have to “fight”, to stay in the marriage, then that itself is not a good sign.  But there are few signs that may have evolved in your relationship that suggest that it is time to divorce.

You are contemplating of being alone.  The feeling of being alone gives you the sense of freedom- If you feel this way often, then it is time for divorce.

You are so not into your partner that the partner’s touch gives you the creeps.  It feels like a thousand ants on your skin.  You feel bad bigly. You are feeling repulsed, only to yell out touch me not. It may not be the reason, but surely a signal in the direction leading to divorce.

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If you have cheated or you have been cheated on, there is surely no turning back.  Yes, there can be case made about forgiving.  As good human being as you may be, forgiving is possible but forgetting is not likely.  When faith is shaken, it is time for divorce.

Deep down you are looking into distant future.  In that distant future, you are happy but ironically it does not include your partner.  When you have that kind of vision too often, it is time for divorce.

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In a marriage, keeping intensity in relationship requires two people.  When there is no desire to fuel the intensity, there is trouble in a matrimonial paradise.  There is apathy and your partner’s action does not faze.  It is time for a divorce.

As the last stanza in the “Turn, Turn, Turn” states, “I swear it’s not too late.”

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Why Woman Becomes Unfaithful?

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Generally it is accepted that men are capable of being unfaithful with simple attraction to another person. However, when a woman is unfaithful her decision is not always made in the heat of moment. She has felt a slow breakdown in her relationship. The sense of ultimate breakdown leads to someone else’s arms.

A woman’s essence of being in a relationship is that she is not only being loved but she is special to her partner. Her partner has to assure her that she is the only one makes him happy. She is thrives when she feels special. Special for being who she really is as a person. But most of all she is in the eyes of the man she loves.

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Simple as a touch from her partner is all she may need. But in time, companionship is taken for granted. In the course of normal routine, not only there are no moments of intimacy but even simple touching each other is non-existent. Woman needs that touch of love on a regular basis. Through her partner’s touch(es) she feels she is desired. In an essence, being desired is the core need of a woman’s mojo.

Most men often hear from their woman that he is not listening to her. But what a woman is saying that her partner is not hearing her. She longs to be heard when she speaks. Yes, it is possible that in reality, her partner is listening to her but what is missing is that he is not empathizing with her. He fails to validate her experiences. Women feel connected when they are heard. Chances are high if she gets a man’s ears, he is likely to get her!

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It is often said that familiarity breeds contempt. As partners get used to each other, they are likely to harp of negative attributes. As stated earlier, woman thrives on being special to her partner, constant criticisms and put-downs create a void. She has lost her self-esteem. She longs to boost her self-esteem even if that means seeking someone else.

It is true that no relationship is perfect but it is also true that relationship needs to be tolerated. The pleasantness is essential. Pleasantness is brought through harmony.

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Harmony is brought through enhancing each other in a relationship. Mind you well, not too difficult. Enhancing comes through- touching, hearing, feeling, reaching out- each other.

Simply, you enhance each other by accepting and appreciating each other.

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Donald Trump Can Make Sex Great Again

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It seems lately that everything can be attributed to Donald Trump. Then it is plausible that solution to making sex great again may be dependent on Trump.

According to recent study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, people in the USA are having less sex today than they did generations ago. Your sex life is not what it once was. It is suggested that perhaps the economy of the country may be the cause.  (Also check out How Donald Trump Can Make You A Winner)

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The major concern is that married couples – especially with kids at home – are working longer hours and facing more intense financial pressures that may put a damper on their sex lives. The gap is widening between rich and poor and the middle class is practically non-existent. More people have to spend more time working. To stay afloat, people have to take two or three jobs to meet financial obligations, thus leaving no time or energy for sex.

According to the report, Married people typically had sex 73 times a year in 1990, researchers report in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. But by 2014 married couples were having sex just 55 times a year, trailing single people who had sex 59 times a year. To examine shifts in national sex habits, researchers looked at survey data collected from 1972 to 2014 on a nationally representative sample of 56,859 adults.

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In fairness, financial situation may be a major factor, but there is another factor that may be attributing to lack of romantic interlude. The external entertainment is more entertaining and more on-demand entertaining is available. That is to say, there are a lot more things to do at 10 pm at home than there used to be. It is all thanks to smartphones premiering in 2007, Netflix streaming video in 2007 and YouTube in 2006.

In essence, if America is going to be winner again thanks to anticipated economic boom, people can have time for in-demand sex. Perhaps, then we will have lot to thank Donald Trump for.

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When Men Are Free Women Are Free

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Ironic indeed that in 1990’s woman who hailed Madonna as “the future of feminism”, in her essays argue that for women to be free, men must be free too.  The woman is none other than Camille Paglia whose essays are published in a new book, Free Women, Free Men: Sex, Gender, and Feminism, collecting her greatest hits about gender, sex, and feminism from 1990 to 2016.

The book highlights the strength of southern women in the country, an ode to the Real Housewives, and multiple essays about diminishing free speech on college campuses. Paglia stresses how the mainstream feminist movement has revolved around educated white women and forgotten working class women-and men, like the sanitation workers whom she believes do not receive enough credit for their dangerous work.

Strange as it may be, Camille Paglia understood the country long before Donald Trump.  Ms. Paglia was discussing topics that elected Donald Trump at the helm- liberals forgetting white working class Americans in the Midwest and South, the failures of contemporary feminism, and free speech on college campus.

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Earlier women were determined to show that they could achieve at the same level as men. The bold new women of that period did not insult or denigrate men. They admired what men had done and simply demanded the opportunity to show that women could match or surpass it.  Whereas today’s feminism has made male-bashing became its default mode from the start. Today’s women movement attracts fanatics or borderline personalities- mostly they are damaged women with bitter gripes against men.

In her book, Free Women, Free Men, Paglia is emphasizing that women can never be truly free until they let men too be free-which means that men have every right to determine their own identities, interests, and passions without intrusive surveillance and censorship by women with their own political agenda.

Paglia points out that construction workers and other working class men’s work have gone unnoticed. She is outraged to see how so many pampered, affluent, upper-middle-class professional women bash men with snide anti-male feminist rhetoric, while they remain completely ignoring the constant labor and sacrifices going on all around them as working-class men create and maintain the fabulous infrastructure that makes modern life possible in the Western world. Why is that only a tiny number of women want to enter the trades where most of the nitty-gritty physical work is actually going on-plumbing, electricity, construction. Women have played virtually no role in the erection of those magnificent towers in every major city in the world.

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Her admiration for country women is evident in her book.  She states that country women of the agrarian era were physically and mentally stronger than today’s high-profile, feminism-spouting women careerists, doing their Pilates and spinning routines at the pricey gym. Country women had big voices and big attitudes.

She claims that today’s feminism is not women’s movement but “it’s neurosis and hysteria”.  According to Paglia, the great irony is that too many of today’s privileged white middle-class girls at elite schools can’t seem to express themselves forcefully enough even to manage their own dating lives. They have to run to parental proxies on campus grievance committees to intervene for them.

Interestingly, she may have given a clue to handle current misdirected feminism, “I have learned an enormous amount from watching football since childhood and have usefully applied those lessons in my war against the feminist and academic establishment. I block and tackle with pleasure and love in particular to run ‘misdirection’ plays on feminist leaders.”

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Though she expresses contempt for what she sees as feminism’s negative rhetoric regarding motherhood and homemaking but then calls procreation “nature’s fascist scheme” against women. Her critics say that her book is indicative of being an aged rebel, as she believes that conservatism is the new counter-culture, and that rebelling now means standing up for the landlord, the corporate bureaucrat, and the established artistic canon.

Free Women, Free Men is a strange succession of essays about gender, sex, and politics that reveals an individual who is rebellious and yet conservative enough to understand freedom is good only if we are free- men and women.  Her book is a reflection that freedom is the ultimate value.

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Don’t Be Victim of Financial Cheating

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Many changes on social and financial fronts have been occurring over few decade, yet when it comes to relationship, importance is only highlighted in physical and emotional cheating.  There is new frontier emerging in a relationship- less talked about and harder to spot- financial infidelity.  In essence, your partner is financially unfaithful- hiding purchases, hiding bank account, hiding cash, having credit card(s) which you know nothing about. (See Is Emotional Cheating Worse Than Physical Cheating?)

Impact of physical and emotional cheating can have lasting impact but can be overcome.  You have option of getting over and improvise for better tomorrows that lie ahead.  But financial cheating can have bearing on your financial aspect of your life which is likely to linger for a long term.  It could ruin your credit thus potentially harmful to get loans or a new job in the future.  Your financial security may   totally disappear.

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According to recent survey in Smart Money, the number of people who are financially unfaithful is on the rise. Among those couples who have ever combined finances, two in five (42 percent) have committed some sort of financial deception.  Among those who have committed financial deception, and/or whose partner did, 75 percent said the financial deceptions affected their current or past relationships, with over a quarter (28 percent) saying it caused less trust in the relationship.  About 32 percent of the survey recipients preferred some aspects of their finances remained private from their partner.

Ironically, money is number one stress factor and yet financial infidelity usually goes unnoticed. Eventually the unassuming partner finds out a bank statement, a questionable purchase, or the like.

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In a two-income family, it is likely that one (or both) partner want to use the money without being questioned. Not only does partner(s) set money aside secretly, but often they hide the fact the money exists at all. It may seem harmless at the inception of the relationship.  But it is a sign of financial infidelity- it’s the secrecy that really harms the relationship.
Most people do not consider financial state important part of their relationship.  The good foundation of relationship is possible if both partners establish financial boundaries and expectations.

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Being open and honest about your finances doesn’t mean you have to pool every penny earned, or consult each other on every purchase made, though.  There are many ways couple can maintain financial harmony.  When it comes to money, people tend to be territorial. In the long run, it is never a good idea to comingle funds.  In a practical world, the financial existence of one partner need not be dependent on another because one never knows what can happen in the future.

Simply, to retain harmony and independence it is best to each one has separate account and one joint account for family related expenses.  It is recognizing that both partners are dependent on one another and yet independent on their own.  It is a concept not fully utilized- Intra-dependent.

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Is emotional cheating worse than physical cheating?

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It depends on who you ask. Men will likely to provide different answer than women. From a practical point of view the answer is simple. Cheating is cheating. Then nothing is simple in life.

For men physical cheating is more painful than emotional cheating because men relate to everything in a physical way first. Men can envision it- partner seeking comfort or escape in the arms of another. Men can’t grasp emotional cheating since men relate to everything to physical possessions.

For women, sexual indiscretion is not significant because in their mind when their partner has an emotional affair, the partner has already given up in their relationship. Women tend to equate the emotional bonding to love for each other. For women, forgiving and forgetting isn’t an option when their partner has emotionally cheated. Women’s perception is that when partner doesn’t want to be forgiven — they want out.

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There is no question that emotional bonding may not begin with only satisfying physical gratification. It means you and your partner are at loss when you are not together. You long for your partner’s arrival or presence. It may have begun as friendship which gradually leads affairs of heart- which aren’t always physical but deep emotional bonding.

How you detect emotional bonding, you ask.

It is fair to say, that most friendship is likely to begin at your job or places you frequently visit- such as health club or bar. You are spending time with the friend too often. When you are not with your partner, you can’t wait until the next time you see each other. You can’t contain your inner inklings for your friend. You are pondering how it is to spend time with your friend. When something great happens in your life, you would prefer to share with the friend than your partner. When you are hiding your friendship from your partner then it is very likely an indication of your emotional involvement with your friend. Eventually, you will be ranting about your partner to the friend which can create an opening for emotional infidelity. What is even worse is that if you’re wondering if you’re having an emotional affair, you’ve probably already crossed the line.

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Having feelings for another person does not make you a bad person. Sometimes, you can’t control your feelings, but you CAN control your actions. It is possible that you may wonder how your friend will feel if you opt to end the encounter. It does not matter because you need to ensure your partner is not affected by you.

In summary, men equate love to physical possession whereas women equate love to emotional possession. In the long run, emotional scars are likely to stay with you and affect your emotional state. Indeed, not pleasant nor worth it.

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Have Sex To Love Your Job, Really


Lily is upset that her husband, Jon, is so stressed at his job that he has become impossible. She doesn’t know what to do. She is helpless as she has left her job to care of 1-year old son.  Now she will know what to do.  Her solution is simple- just have more sex with Jon.  Realistically speaking, Jon’s problem may not be his work, but he is not having enough sex with Lily.

According to a study published in the Journal of Management, workers who have active, healthy sex lives like their jobs and more productive at work.  The researchers found that those who had more sex at home reported more positive moods the following day.  Furthermore, the elevated mood levels of the participants were linked to more engagement with their work and higher job satisfaction throughout the entire workday.

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The positive effects of having romantic encounter seemed to last for 24 hours – and the researchers noticed that the effects were “equally strong” for men and women. The benefits of sex likely stems from the fact that sex triggers the release of dopamine and oxytocin, which makes it a “natural and relatively automatic” mood elevator, the study noted.

Some companies already recognize this. In Sweden, one town council has suggested municipal workers be given an hour off every week specifically to have sex.  It provides time away from constant work contact – the time spent having sex is also – it is assumed – time not spent checking emails or being on a screen.  This lowers work-related stress.

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According to the study, the feel-good factor from sex lasts for approximately 24 hours.
Interestingly, the study proves that sex has social, emotional, and physiological benefits, and it’s important to make it a priority.  So if you ever say that you do not have time for sex, you may just have to make time for it.

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Secrets To Long Lasting Relationship

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If you want to be in love and remain in relationship, do not rely on experts.  It is best to stick with scientifically backed concepts.

It could be as simple as being in warm place.  According to Yale psychologist, John Bargh, there is connection between body temperature and personality.  When you feel warm physically, you behave warmly toward your partner.  So whenever you get a chance, seek out warm places and foods so makes it lot easier to heat things up later on.

Interestingly, if you are good listener, your relationship is likely to last.  It is because chances are your partner has need to be heard.  Listening is actually the key element that is critical in all stages of a relationship- from beginning and thereafter.

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Do you remember when you first met your partner, you were full of smile.  As time goes on, your smile(s) takes a back seat.  The attractiveness of person is ensured if your partner sees you smile when you see them.  Smile is an indication of intensity you have for your partner.

Have you heard of the expression, “familiarity breeds contempt”?

In a relationship, familiarity may not reach “contempt” stage, but surely it reaches “taking for granted” stage.  So it is important to let your partner know how you appreciate them.  Saying simple “thank you” can be very meaningful.  The feeling of gratefulness for each other is an essence of good relationship.

In a relationship kiss need not be “kiss of death” but “kiss of passion”.  Kisses and touches become forgotten routine in a relationship.  But kisses and touches are surely indication of the yearning for each other for that passionate encounter.  The exchanged message is simple and yet powerful- you want and you are wanted.

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As a relationship continues, the words “I love you” are repeated often.  But what is lost that it has no longer significance attached to those words.  Simply put, the emotional connection is missing.  According to Illinois State University Professor, Sandra Metts’ study, saying “I love you” before having sex has a positive impact on the trajectory of the relationship.

One of the major factors in relationship going off tangent is having expectations from your partner.  You expecting your partner to love you always and keep you happy always.  Your happiness can only be enhanced by your partner, but you can’t expect your partner to keep you happy if you are not happy person yourself.

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In essence, draw upon your own inner-resources to offer love, and attention to yourself when you need it. Then you can let love come to you instead of putting expectations on what it needs to look like.

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What Kills Relationship?

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Often life seems like a web of complexities, but it isn’t. The answers for many problems can be simple. What is difficult is that most people are overwhelmed and can’t realize that answer can be simple. We have been trained to believe that only “experts” can solve problems.

It is amazing to me that even in a day to day encounter, people make things complicated. Often all it requires is taking a time out and seek simple solution. Let us look at relationships issue.

Recently there was discussion among my friends about their relationships. Eventually discussion focused on what causes divorce. Of course, the discussion yielded many reasons but reasons emerged in three main areas- sex, money and communication.

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The discussion pointed to symptoms of the real problem. No one was ready to analyze the symptoms. Why is sex an issue in a relationship? Why is money an issue in a relationship?Why is communication an issue in a relationship?

To realize the basic answer to those questions, you have to go back to the inception of your relationship. What was the main factor of the relationship? You will have many answers. Most will answer many reasons but never give a simple but main reason- “attraction” for one another.

Along that line of reasoning, the relationship falters because of unmet “expectations”. By the way, having expectations is not just a relationship problem, it is a life problem. You are likely to see pain and frustrations that plays out from having expectations that have not been materialized- in all relationships. Having expectations can lead to many heartbreaks and eventual emotional traumas. Simply put, having expectations is lethal.

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So … what’s the solution?

Simply, you do not have any expectations, instead have hope.

What is the difference, you ask.

Having expectations is definitely based on results you want. If you do not get the results, you will be disappointed and frustrated. Having hope is based on wishful thinking. If the results are not what you want, you move on.

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The reality is such that it never aligns with our expectations. So why bother having expectations? The fact of the matter is this: In life, we often have expectations that go unmet, and we’re often frustrated because of it. But we don’t HAVE to be.

Antonio Banderas says it best: “Expectation is the mother of all frustration.”

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