As I was reading numerous profiles on online match making sites, what stood out to me was that honesty was the most sought after criteria for most women. Though I do not doubt that they are sincere in what they are seeking, but I pondered if they were honest themselves. Starting with their profile pictures, I can only say that it was far from “honest” representation.
I wonder if honesty is really crucial in a relationship. When you think about it, being close with someone means it is about caring and sharing. Truth be told, relationship also involves lots of hiding and lying as partners and in time both become master manipulators. There may not be any malice intended but simply, ultimate reckoning that often truth hurts. If you care for your partner, you do not want to hurt your partner, so you lie- often referred to as “white” lie!
Relationships are built around simultaneous and yet opposite needs to be independent and yet be intimate. Thus this is where conflicts arise among couples. It’s a power struggle between these two needs, hashed out and decided for the first time between two individuals, with two separate ideas of the world, as they come together to form a bond. In a relationship, there’s a constant power struggle between these two ideas and these two opposing needs, as they merge into one story, that is, their relationship- thus often, honesty takes back seat in most relationships.
Can you imagine telling your current partner that your ex was very hot? In all likelihood, you will tell you partner “you are hot”! Your rationalization is that your partner needs to know based on current perspective. So it is possible, though it may not be truth, but not necessarily a lie!
You are about to get going to an event. You are likely to hear, “I am almost ready”. Often that “almost” turns out to be 15 to 30 minutes. Who is counting? As a matter of fact, if you were to count, it will not matter. You accept the lie and move on!
Back to your past relationship, you know there were many good moments. But could you really share that with current partner? If you were to do that, you will be accused of living in the past. So you resort to an attitude that there was nothing much in that relationship. Perhaps a worst lie, but it is worth it to maintain peace and tranquility.
Most common situation is when your partner asks whether partner’s best friend is hot. Imagine telling the truth, you will be accused of eyeing your partner’s best friend. You will not admit it. In this case truth will not “Free” you.
When it comes to sex, truth may not be told. Though comparison should not be made, it is likely your partner wants to know about the performance. You want to keep your partner happy, so you lie and sat “you are the best!” I even tried the neutral approach by saying that I do not compare. Needless to say, my response was not appreciated.
Surely, there are millions of lies in any relationship, I pointed few of them. It just so happens to be that relationship is based on foundation of millions of tiny, little and sometimes even big lies.
If you do not believe that, then you are lying to yourself.